


Coffee Bean And You Won't Tealieve What Happens Next

by Cecil_G_P



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: M/M, also watch as I borrow from kids show sitcom style tropes, coffee shop AU, i guess, watch me try to figure out how a nonneutral interaction would occur in a coffeeshop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-12 04:47:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11729796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cecil_G_P/pseuds/Cecil_G_P
Summary: Sometimes "inspired by real events" means you're going to watch an inspiring movie about how your arm getting bit off by a shark doesn't change who you are inside, other times it means you read an article about hobby lobby smuggling ancient artifacts into the country and think "hey, that could be turned into a coffee shop au."This is a case of the later.





	1. Chapter 1

I try not to take cases from the Kanagawas. There’s just something about legally televised murder and dismemberment that really puts a girl off. Even if the client does pay spectacularly. But Croesus Kanagawa is dead and the mythical Grimm’s Mask is missing. And if money (really, an extraordinary amount of money) won’t convince me to take the case then sheer curiosity will. I’ve already traced the theft to a smuggling ring and their main public front seems to be a quaint little coffee shop on the corner of 5th and main street. I’m not entirely sure how the hell they fit coffee and art theft together, but hey, whatever works. And I’m standing in line at their shop to find out just _how_ it works.  

“Next customer please!” The voice carries a slight but pleasant accent and I step up to the register to find out just exactly who I’m dealing with. A man, leaned on the register, his face was lean, but soft, with a cherub smile and a fox’s teeth. “What can I get for you today?” He makes eye contact with me as he says it and I notice -behind some of the largest glasses frames I’ve seen this side of mars- his eyes are impossible bright. I nearly forget how to order my coffee.

“Uhhhhh, medium roast please, a large.” He smirks like he knows exactly the kind of effect he’s just had on me.

“Anything else for you today sir?”

“No, that’s it.”

“And can I get a name to put on the cup?” He punctuates the sentence by holding up a cup and a pen.

I hesitate for a split second, not many people have heard of the Juno Steel Detective agency, but then again it’s not a common name. “J” His eyes flick over me curiously, as if he caught the hesitation. But he writes it down without comment and rings me up.

“Have a wonderful day, J!” And suddenly he’s all smiles again, flashing those sharp sharp teeth, maybe I’m imagining it but that grin seems a tad more than friendly.  I mentally shake myself as I try to find a table, for all I know he’s the head of the smuggling ring, or even worse, their guard dog. It wouldn't do to give into the hum of attraction under my skin.

The shop is fairly busy, but I find myself a table in the corner and drape my coat over the chair to claim it.

“J!” The other barista shouts my name and I go back to the counter to take my coffee. Thanking her, I sit back down and open up a tabloid to skim through as a pretense. In actuality I’m scanning the place. It’s small, but not small enough to be cramped, and the decor is nice if a bit hipster. But not nicer than they could conceivably afford as a coffee shop. No surprise there, any extra money is undoubtedly spent on themselves.

I spend a good half hour in that coffee shop. The baristas are too busy taking orders and making coffee to do much else. It’s possible they don’t even know the business is a front. At one point they switch jobs and the man that took my order makes coffees as the other woman takes orders. His motions are graceful and a little extravagant, turning the process of making coffee into a stage show. He catches me watching him a couple times, and each time he smirks at me and shows off a little- by flipping whisks like drumsticks or pouring syrups into cups from 3 feet above or the like. And each time I blush like a high schooler and shove my tabloid back over my face. At least he won’t realize I’m casing the place.

The morning rush has died down and most of the other patrons have left. I figure I better go too before I attract attention to myself. Or at least more attention that I already have. But as I’m folding up my paper footsteps approach my table. I look up, expecting the flirty barista, but instead the other woman hands me a pastry bag.

"Sorry for the wait sir, I didn’t realize we forgot your pastry."

She walked off before I could recover from my surprise and tell her I didn’t order one.

I look in the bag to find a slice of coffee cake and a couple napkins. The top napkin looks like it already has something stained on it though. I take it out to find a note scrawled on it in looping and elegant handwriting. The letters are formed a little strangely, as if he didn’t grow up writing common martian.

‘J is such a lovely letter, maybe you’ll tell me what it stands for sometime. Perhaps tomorrow? I get off my shift at around 9:30am if you’d like to stick around and chat. -Eric’

I look up but he’s no longer in sight. There’s a new guy, donning a uniform and greeting the other barista. I look at my watch. 9:45. He must have left already. It might put a dent in my plans, to have been noticed and signaled out on the first day, but maybe he knew a thing or two about this place. Something to help the investigation along… If only I could figure out how to ask him without tipping him off to my real intentions.

I shrug and finally make to leave. It’s a problem for tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

I drop the coffee cake -sans note- on Rita’s desk. 

“Awww boss! That’s so nice of you!” She takes a huge bite and grins. “Soooooo how’d it go?”

“I don’t have anything on them yet. As a cover, it’s pretty airtight. I might have to snoop around after hours.”

“Well that’s gonna be pretty hard considering it’s a 24/7 place. There aren’t really any hours for the after part.”

“Wha- 24/7? Who the hell opens a 24/7 coffee shop as a front?”

“I dunno boss, isn’t that part of what we’re trying to figure out?” 

“I guess so. Hey, do you think you could get into their computer system and find a schedule of all the employees shifts?”

“Sure thing boss.” She crams some more coffee cake into her mouth before sending her fingers flying across the keys. “Howsit gonna help?” She talks around the cake.

“I’m not sure yet Rita. One of the barista’s seems to have taken an interest in me and I’m thinking I can spin it in my favor.” 

“Oooooh! You mean they’re  _ interested interested _ in you? This is just like in those books Franny’s always recommending!”

“No Rita I-”

“Found the schedules boss! Now, which one are they?”

I lean over her shoulder to glance at the screen. “There! Eric. Eric Saros.”

“Eric! So how’re you gonna romance him into spilling the smuggling ring’s secrets.”

“ _ Rita, _ I am not  _ romancing _ him! And we don’t even know how much he knows! He could be a naive bastard with poor job hunting luck, or involved in every single one of their transactions for all we know! And besides… I… um…”

“Don’t know how to flirt with him?”

I shrug and look away. “Something like that.”

“Awwwwww boss, I’ll help!”

“No! No! No!” I jab a finger at her. Stay out of this, it’s not like one of your streams. It’s a  _ case.  _ And you should treat it like one!”

“Sure boss, just a case.” She’s still grinning at me wildly as I slam the door that separates my office from her desk. Leaning against my desk I take the crumpled napkin out of my pocket. Eric Saros. I was never much of a flirt, but hey- fake it till you make it right?

Fake it.

For the case. 

All I had to do was stick around after 9:30 and see where it goes, and if it doesn’t work I could just get back to the basics and a laser gun.

How hard could it be?

 

The next morning I catch his eye as I stand in line. He’s making the drink this morning as when he sees me staring he grins -that mouth full of shiny sharp teeth- and winks at me as he pours a neon purple drink into a plastic cup. I feel heat rising in my face and look away for a second before I remember I’m supposed to be flirting. I steal another glance at him as he smirks at me and I give him a small smile back. _ It’s for a case. It’s for a case. It’s for a case. It’s for a case. It’s for a case. _

Right before it’s my turn at the register he taps his coworker on the shoulder and they switch jobs. He leans over the register, smiling at me. 

“Nice to see you again, J.” 

“Eric.” I nod at him.

“I see you got my note. What do you say? Care to stick around after my shift?”

“I’ve got a little time.” I admit. The customer behind me taps their foot impatiently.

“Wonderful! What can I get you in the meantime?”

“Medium coffee.” He scribbles on the cup as I dig out my card. 

“See you soon.” He rings me up and waves at me.

“Looking forward to it.” I mumble and walk away before the flush in my cheeks can get anymore apparent. 

I nurse my coffee at a table in the back, remembering why I haven’t had much past hookups for a while now. I don’t have the patience for it really, the sweet talking, raised eyebrows, the fake ‘I love you’s, the inevitable blow out, the feeling of being a goddamned teenager again as I try to convince myself it’ll be different this time.

Absentmindedly, I watch the people in line. None seem out of place from expected morning commuters, here to get their caffeine fix. Maybe I did have the wrong place, and this really was just a regular coffee shop. It was unlikely however, my (Rita’s) research had been pretty thorough. 

“Need a refill on that coffee?” The man -Eric- slid into the chair across from me and placed two cups of coffee on the table. I took the one closer to me and eyed him. 

“Won’t the management be mad you keep giving free stuff to strangers?”

“The management doesn’t need to know.” He smirks at me and sips at his own drink. “And we don’t need to be strangers. J- what was it again?”

It’s my turn to smirk at him, if he think’s he’s finding out I’m a detective quite so soon, he really is a fool. “It doesn’t stand for anything actually. It’s J-A-Y.”

“Oh.” He looks surprised but recovers quickly. “My apologies, I don’t know why I assumed-”

“It’s fine, I get it all the time.” 

“Well, I’m glad I got the chance to find out. Thank you for indulging me.” He gestures to the space between us.

“If you don’t mind me asking why did you write that note?”

He laughs and it’s like sunshine finally managed to make it’s way past the dust collecting on the radiation shield that covers the skyline. “Life is short, and what can I say? I guess I’m just a sucker for a pretty face.”

And goddamn it I’m blushing for the third time today. “I- well-” I break off with a nervous laugh. “I guess that’s why I’m here too.” I clear my throat and stare hard into the grain of the synth wood of the table. Slender fingers reach into my field of view to trace a knot in the wood, pale and chipping blue nail polish contrast with the dark of the table. 

“You’re awfully cute when you’re flustered.”

“Do you anything else besides flirt and make coffee?” I blurt out, lacking anything else to say.

“Hmmmm I might have a few hobbies.”

“Like?”

“I’m a writer.”

I snort. “A writer in a coffee shop?”

“I know, I know, I’m a walking stereotype. But it’s a nice reprieve. I may be stuck on Mars for the moment but write the perfect story and the perfect character can be gallivanting through the stars.”

“Mars not good enough for you?”

“Mars is alright, but who wouldn’t want to see the stars?”

“I guess.”

“And you, Jay, what do you do?”

“Oh. Me?” Shit. Shit. Shit. What do I say?

“Yes. You.” He raises an eyebrow at me and leans a little closer. What would Rita say?

“Uhh I’m a secretary.” Hopefully he’ll write off my hesitation as a reaction to how he’s staring at me. If he does then he won’t be entirely wrong.

“For who? A lawyer? A doctor?”

“A dentist actually. It’s mostly just scheduling appointments.” Fuck. Where did dentist come from? I hope he doesn’t ask questions.

“Hmmmm, and what do you do in your free time?”

A montage of self destructive and detective related hobbies plays through my head.

“I like art exhibits. Especially the terrible ones.”

He laughs again, and for a split second I forget all the lies it took to get here. “You’ll have to show me one sometime.”

“Yeah. Um.” I clear my throat. “I’ve got to go to work.”

“Ah. I suppose I should leave you to it.”

“Do you, want to um…”

“Same time tomorrow?”

“Sounds perfect.”

“See you tomorrow Jay!”

“Yeah, see you around!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's kinda out of character for Juno to lie about his name but I like the idea of tableing the tables on Nureyev so we're just gonna fucking roll with it ok. Also, I've realized that me, a person who's never flirted with anyone let alone been on a successful date, is very unqualified to write this but again: we're rolling with it.


	3. Chapter 3

“I just don’t know Rita, how do I get information out of this guy? This isn’t exactly my preferred tactic.” Rita giggled and shoved a couple more cookies in her mouth.

“Maybe you need to get out of his workplace boss. Can’t exactly drop company secrets where another employee is gonna hear you.”

“That’s…. A pretty good point. But what am I gonna do? Ask him if he wants to get coffee at a  _ different coffee shop _ ?”

“Pffffft no silly!” She put the cookie package down and got really close to me, sitting on my desk and leaning in close to my face. “Ask him to dinner.”

“What?!”

“Why not?”

“Why not?! Well- I- No- Bec- Shut up!”

“Besides boss, from what you’ve told me he seems pretty charming.” She nudged me with her elbow. “Seems like you might even… have fun.” 

My face is burning, jeeze did the air conditioner go out? “Wha-? Rita. This is a case.”

“I know that.”

“I wouldn’t even know what to say!”

“I can help you with that!”

“This is a bad idea.”

“This is a great idea.”

“Bad.”

“Good.”

“Bad!”

“Good!”

“Bad!”

“Bad!”

“Good! I mean ba-”

“Aha! So you’ve admitted it!”

“No! Rita! That’s cheating!”

Rita sprang up from her perch on my desk and just about ran back to her own, curls bouncing, heels click clacking on the linoleum. “No take backs! You won’t regret this Mister Steel!”

“RITA”

****

Today as I waited in line I contemplated if my heart could actually physically jump through my throat. It sure felt like it anyways. Eric wasn’t manning the cash register today -thank stars for small miracles I guess- but he winked at me from where he was busy making the most complicated cup of tea I’ve ever seen in my life. 

I sat in my usual spot in the back corner, sipping my coffee and eyeing the little heart drawn on the cup. The drink helped, surprisingly. Caffeine shouldn’t ease my nerves but drinking coffee and pretending to read a tabloid gave me something simple to do at least. By the time Eric’s shit ended and he started waltzing over to my table I had almost convinced myself I could do this.

Almost.

“Hello again, Jay.”

“Hey.” I flashed him a smile and he beamed back at me. I liked Eric, he was chipper and enthusiastic, charming. He was a very likable person, and that was dangerous. I couldn’t keep liking him. Either he’s participating in the weirdest art theft ring of the century or I’m about to put him out of a job. No matter what, by the end of this he’s not exactly going to find much to like about Juno Steel.

“Is something the matter? You seem contemplative.” I hum, going over the plan I had concocted with Rita last night. 

“Nothings wrong…” I trailed off

“Hmm?”

“It’s just..” I broke off into a huffy nervous laugh. “So there just happens to be this art exhibition this friday, in Normal Heights, and I was wondering…” I trailed off again and took a hasty sip of coffee.

He places a hand over mine on the table. “I would love to go.”

“Oh! Great! That’s great! It’s at sevenish! At night!”

“Hmm.” He smiles and takes a sip of his own coffee, eyes never leaving mine. “Maybe we could get some dinner beforehand? I know a nice little place we could go.”

“Ok. Yeah! That sounds perfect!” Internally a sigh a breath of relief, that he suggested dinner so I wouldn’t have to. “Should I pick you up around…?”

“Nonsense. I’ll pick you up around 5?”

“Oh? But I know where the exhibition is, shouldn’t I drive.”

“And I know where the restaurant is, and we’re going there first so it would be best if I drove.”

“Oh. Uhh.” If he ended up being part of a smuggling ring I was about to bust, I really didn’t want him to know where I live. “How about a cab?” 

He gave me a funny look. “Alright then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I am not qualified to be writing this kind of thing but this is the internet where I do what I want. Anyways the problem that I encountered here was that Juno wouldn't want Nureyev or "eric" to know where he lives for the stated reason but nuryev's probs staying in a hotel and that's be kinda weird if ur at a hotel which suggests temporary and have a job which suggests at least semi permanence so he wouldn't want juno to pick him up from the hotel cause that would be weird to try to explain. I'm overthinking it. But I kinda like the irony of them both sitting there like 'fuck I cant let this person know where I live/ am staying' and then are too busy trying not to be suspicious at their deflections to realize the other person is being suspicious. Neither of them will realize that until later of course. ;) I've got more wacky situations coming up NEXT EPISODE releasing WHENEVER I FUCKING WRITE IT


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